the royal we

Much as I love a wedding and to a lesser extent, celebrity weddings, the Royal wedding makes me feel a bit sick. Looks like I'm not the only one:

The one thing that might turn my frown upside-down would be if they made it a reality tv show. I had this idea while watching the entire first season of Jersey Shore and my life go by at the same time.

Kitty x

Thanks http://www.juxtapoz.com/Current/royal-wedding-sick-bags-by-lydia-leith

food porn / self promotion

Look what I made for dinner last night:

Slow cooked lamb shanks. Served with baked polenta chips and steamed vegetables. Did somebody say awesome? It took, like, five hours to cook. Which is exactly the amount of time it would have taken to finish my essay had I elected to do this. Which I did not.

Kitty

good friday and the amazing joey chestnut

Good Friday is otherwise known as the most boring day of the year. It's on par with Christmas as an epic public holiday in which basically nothing is open, however has none of the accompanying fanfare. My Grandmother Joma, according to legend, used to hate Good Friday and spent the entire day in bed. There was some suggestion that this was likely due to being hungover, but regardless, it's a great tradition and one I have endeavoured to keep alive. This year my only regret has been not renting the entire first season of Jersey Shore - I've heard naught but good things.

The other good thing about Good Friday is hot cross buns. As kids, we were made to give up lollies and chocolate for lent. I'm not sure I ever actually succeeded at doing this, rather became more canny at thieving money from mum's swimming bag and going for secret walks down to the milk bar. Regardless, there was some consolation in eating copious amounts of hot cross buns come Good Friday. Again, I'm managed to keep the tradition alive, and have found much consolation in the form of a bucket load of the mini versions. Read: I feel ill.

Unfortunately, I didn't set up a time lapse camera to depict the eating of buns for this here blog - what compelling viewing that might have been. In lieu of, I've googled 'gorging on hot cross buns' and to see if trusty friend 'the internet' can assist. 'Gorging' it would appear was a poor choice of word, because my friend 'the internet' threw up this non-bun related pic of joey chestnut, headlined 'American triumphs in eating battle'. Nod to you Mr Chestnut for triumphed you have - 66 hotdogs in 12 minutes.

Kitty x

get off the cross, jesus needs the wood.

My most pressing news is I am a cripple now. I spent forever this weekend cleaning bricks with a wire scrubbing brush while bent awkwardly over a wheelbarrow. I don’t want to make too much of a point of it but it was very third world. Carney hired a little device called a ‘brick cleaning machine’ to assist operations. What a misnomer. It was basically a (semi-functioning) noise maker. With the correct amount of pressure (i.e. brute force) it would very slowly grind away loose and not-so-loose mortar. It was marginally more effective than talking to each brick optimistically in the hope the mortar would spontaneously detach itself. Mum took photos as evidence, but I am unable to post them due to vanity.

And that wasn’t even the weekend’s low light. Carney, his brother Mase and I went to see Paul Foot as part of the comedy festival. He was appalling. Offensive joke telling masquerading as satire. Give a wide berth, one pity star only.

Kitty

<---- avoid this man.

the sausage lady series

Once I saw a lady who carried five hot dogs out of a Seven 11. Rather than, I don't know, bundle the hot dogs together in two hands she carried each one between two fingers.

I was impressed.

That was the inspiration for the sausage lady series.

what is soil erosion?

Last night Carney and I went and saw Claudia O'Doherty as part of the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Her show was about soil erosion, so it was funny as well as being educational. Having actually had to study aspects of soil erosion at uni I can attest this is quite an achievement. (Take note serious geology lecturer whose dried up boogie fell out of his nose onto my book when we were discussing my final year project and whose name escapes me: Educational AND fun.)

Claudia wore an entirely tan outfit and *spoiler alert* a fake cold sore for part of the show. The show is loosely based around a 26 part tv series on soil erosion and as promised on promotional material, involves lasers. I might add that the use of lasers is probably overstated.

It was hilarious and you should go. But don't just take my word for it, see how well it performed against my:

5 STAR RATING SYSTEM FOR COMEDY SHOWS

Stars are awarded or not awarded for each of the following:

1. Audience participation. Nobody likes this. The group yelling things out together is ok, but individuals cherry picked for public mocking in the style of Jason Byrne is not.

2. How much you wish to(/do) re-tell gags to others. It is best if you can claim these as your own.

3. Use of lame jokes about women being bitches and best off in the kitchen. (discouraged).

4. Whether or not you laughed so much that a little bit of wee nearly came out. And not because you are incontinent/a pee wee pants because it was so, so funny.

5. Use of in jokes/bizarre pop culture references. NB: This can work in two ways: a) against you if I personally do not understand the in joke or b) for you if I do and can repeat this to others (refer to 2.).

4 stars.

Gully, sheet and rill-out. (this is an in joke for attendees - boom-boom, eh?).

Kitty x